A first that will last a lifetime

Anyone familiar with me would agree that I think I know a quite a bit about quite a lot; that I’ve been around the block; it’s not my first rodeo; I know what’s what, how’s how; what’s hot and what’s not and all that jazz. Or at least I think I do.
Over the years I’ve used all the sporting cliches, coined one or two which gained traction, used thousands more which were immediately consigned to the wastebin of unlamented verbiage, written much which began as, in my mind, purple prose only to end as fast-food wrapping.
One of life’s more surreal moments, decades ago, came as in company with a couple of muckas I scoffed my way along Blackpool’s Golden Mile – Russ Abbott’s Comedy Madhouse featuring the Roly Polys if you must know, Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bear the show-stealing support – only to look down and see, beneath a chip, slightly to the left of a pickled onion, partially obscured by a battered sausage, moistened by Sarson’s and liberally peddle-dashed with Saxa, staring back at me my own picture by-line adorning a match report from the Wigan’s cup victory over the majestic Rochdale Hornets ten days previously.
“Enough to give you indigestion,” my now long-time former friends proffered.
Today’s news is tomorrow’s chip paper they used to say in pre-Internet days when tortured tautology, gruesome grammar and pun-tastic headlines had the lifespan of a mayfly and the only tablet we knew of was the type of slate-based classroom aid on which Dick Barrie learned how to solve algebraic equations and decline verbs.
Nowadays what’s out there on t’Worldwide web is with you for the rest of your life – and beyond – and often comes back to bite the bums of those seemingly too daft to think once, never mind twice, before sharing the most intimate thoughts, and other things, with the world.
But it has to be rather nice when you do something really, really special, and within seconds the whole world can join in the celebration.
Which must have been how our pod of Pijpers felt at around 7.48pm last Friday.
I’ve never knowingly sidestepped a good cliché in my life and the increasingly imminent onset of a sixth decade changes nothing.
So, proving that if you’re good enough, you’re old enough, the Bullets’ 15-year-old number seven popped the Armadale traps and, in what turned out to be the fastest time of the night, only went and won his first senior 500cc speedway race.
Then celebrated with his dad at the pits gate while mum, sis and younger brother went just a little potty in the Armadale penthouse.
Within seconds those not watching live on EMTV’s stream shared the joy via Speedway Updates, BSF, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and many other social media platforms which have so far passed me by.
And it’ll be there forever.
If only someone had trademarked “Ace in the pack” before Friday they’d be very rich. And will continue to be so on the evidence of last weekend against the Devils and on home debut against Oxford’s Chargers.
Revert to cliché: “There may be tougher tests ahead for this young Ace.” Then again there might not. We’ll see.
Now I’m not exactly sure where I stand legally with the next bit. Bearing in mind the subject is still only 15 and, as I’ve mentioned above that the Internet retains your published thougth for eternity and it can be used in evidence against you.
You need to have a look at the back of his racesuit. The bit just above the bit above the, ahem, saddle.
Those – and I believe there are many, especially in the posh seats at Shielfield – dedicated rearologists will be well aware that Theo says: “Mrs Pijper is the boss.” According to our new Ace in the Pack (copyright applied for, all rights reserved) it seems that Bonnie has been appointed Youth Section CEO of the Empire.
Along with everything else over the weekend Ace’s combined 16 point haul sent shivers down the spine of the Bullets’ opponents.
Anyone thinking that introducing a raw recruit to the number seven berth might make us a little vulnerable in early season matches has been forced into a rethink as last year’s NDL runners-up began their quest to go one better in perfect style.
He may have stolen the headlines but Ace in the Pack (pat pending) was only one functioning part of the well-oiled Bullets’ steamroller.
Fellow reserve Mason Watson added a symmetrical dozen over the weekend, Greg Blair showed a previously hidden liking for The Dump, Ben Rathbone and Kieran Douglas chipped in as the Bullets recorded only five duck eggs in 30 heats, Luke Crang was consistency personified and Kyle Bickley?
Well he gave a performance with number one on his back that would have made his Bandits’ counterpart proud.
From heat one on Friday when he ploughed through the tapes only to win the rerun from 15 metres back to heat 15 on Saturday when he picked himself out of the Jye Etheridge-sponsored section of the first bend polyfoam after Jordan Jenkins’ banzai manoeuvre to win the rerun, he was awesome to say the least.
It could have been even better as Kyle had rounded Nathan Stoneman at Shielfield before Ben Hopwood – whose meagre four point haul was a travesty and as far from being a true reflection of his efforts for the Chargers as you could get – hit the deck, the wily Oxfordian managing to block a repeat charge around the banking in the re-run.
Brilliant Bickley (copyright applied for, pat pending) will need to be on top form again on Saturday as he renews his rivalry with Heid Divil William Lawson and his diabolical acolytes – especially Danny Phillips, Tom Woolley and George Rothery.
But only after he’s faced up to the Monarchs in the first part of Saturday’s double header and at Armadale on Friday night.
The Monarchs have two untested new boys in Lasse Fredrikson and Jacob Hook and James Sarjeant coming back from serious injury and this is their first competitive match. Mind you they also have Sam Masters, Josh Pickering and Kye Thomsen.
But even so with three former Monarchs – possibly more than one looking to prove a point, Bomber, Brilliant Bickley (copyright applied for, pat pending) having honed his West Lothian set up last week, Flint L and Proctor T. Surely? Surely?
Definitely, maybe, especially at home.
And at Birmingham, with a couple who used to call Perry Bar home, on Wednesday. And how about Ashfield next Friday. Lots of ex-Weegies and then Scott Nicholls, Troy Batchelor, Crumpie and the reborn Cheetahs.
That’s a hell of an eight day spell of racing.
And, you know what, we could conceivably win the lot. Or not.
Double header Saturday means a 6.30pm start. Treat yourself to a ticket berwickspeedway.com/tickets and take the speedy line into the stadium.
And no matter how you view the preceding 1076 words, don’t try to wrap your chips in it … it’ll ruin your screen.