All hail Whitehaven

If they’re looking for a sixteenth entity to even up the jarringly odd number named for the 2024 Speedway of Nations then perhaps the FIM should look no further than Cumbria.

Or Cumberland and Westmorland as many of its staunchest residents – and the local newspapers – still call it, none of this 1970s arbitrary unitary council nomenclature nonsense on the right-hand coast.

In fairness a trio of Dan Bewley, Richard Lawson and Craig Cook arguably doesn’t look much weaker than Italy or Finland – especially at Belle Vue.

Two of the three were born in Whitehaven (population 23,900ish), Dan the man 14 miles down the road at Mayport. Not bad for a town which has never, as far as I know, actually had a proper speedway track. Speedway it seems is one of the few areas where the more rampant tribalism of the sons and daughters of the Grass of Parmas can be put to one side.

To fans of any other sport in the county – especially those involving inflated pig bladder of varying shapes – coming from Whitehaven makes you about as popular as Dracula at a blood bank with those in Workington (population 25,200ish).

The eight miles between the two metropolitan monoliths are littered with roadblocks, security checks and parentage trawls if you’re a cricketer, footballer – they even have their own version of the national sport called uppies and downies – or heaven forbid a rugby league player hoping to earn a crust by taking from the table of the jam eaters.

A few manage – Kiwi Ged Stokes forged a career as player and coach in both towns at the end of the 1980s before returning to the land of the white cloud sans then teenage son Ben who went on to become a rather good cricketer.

But often there appears to outsiders to be a mindset which makes Royston Veysey look the epitome of warm-hearted inclusivity in the same way that North Korea is best buddies with America, political opposition is encouraged in Russia and bears view interior plumbing.

Hands up I have personal grudges to air here. Being on a light aircraft after a total loss of engine power above the Mojave Desert is nothing compared to running the line for a BARLA cup match at Walney Central and being obliged to call a knock-on against the home standoff in the lead up to what would have been a match-winning try.

It may have a dialect only loosely connected the English language but I got the distinct impression they were decidedly dis-chuffed and one or two may have questioned the validity of the (perfectly correct I may add) call along with my parentage, eyesight and right to live longer than the next ten minutes.

Similarly the act of providing stunningly erudite and totally balanced radio commentaries aimed at listeners in Manchester was often a challenge in the face of an ever so myopic, Derwent Park horde dreaming of roasted referee for Sunday tea.

But, like a colossus, some straddle the great divide with aplomb.

Check out the notable people section of Whitehaven’s Wikipedia page and there – sandwiched between George Washinton’s paternal grandmother, an Archbishop of Canterbury, a slave trader who founded the United States Navy and the doctor responsible for the first medical training programme for women in Asia – is one Craig William Cook.

A marra of the finest order, born in Whitehaven, beloved adopted son of Workington Comets fans – along with Aces, Monarchs and Tigers.

He’s been rather good over the years, not least around Shielfield Park. Not especially one of his favourite tracks but nobody’s even ridden four laps faster around it – even with 20 metres less to cover nowadays.

From that first appearance in 2010 alongside Lawson and a third Whitehaven-born Comet in John Branney, he’s clocked up 280 points in 25 official visits. An average of 11.2 points per meeting.

Take out those tentative early appearances as an ex-motor-xer learning his new trade and it’s even more impressive – it becomes 12.75 from the last 12 visits – there’s three maximums in there too and only once not in double figures.

And that’s just with his full-time teams, let’s not forget he guested for Sheffield in August 2015 and set that old circuit track record, winning heat one in 62.8.

Everything hasn’t always gone according to plan for one of speedway’s more complex characters, one who would have cause to question whether honesty is always the best policy after being on the receiving end of some pretty ordinary, at times bordering on cowardly, social media abuse over the years.

And yet still averaging over nine points last season makes him just the man to spearhead one of the most inexperienced, in British conditions at least, teams seen for many a moon.

Antti Vuolas, Tate Zischke, Celina Liebmann make their British debuts, former Berwick Academy man Sam McGurk steps up from the National League and who knows which Troy Batchelor will turn up – steely-eyed new-dad trapping machine or fun-loving half-throttle wheelie merchant.

With five Bandits also making their debuts the omens are that it could very well be a new instalment in the tales of the unexpected series.

Which all gets underway at 7pm on Saturday, the second leg on the weird side of the island at 3pm tomorrow.

Save yourself a couple of quid, not to mention having to queue up with the great unwashed in the coppering-up line and buy an online ticket before midnight on Friday. berwickspeedway.com/tickets

On the day it’s £20, same for cash except if you’re over-65/a student (£18) or an accompanied under-16 (free).

It’s been a long winter, vast areas of the world are going to hell in a handcart and, unfathomably, we still have a Tory government.

We need speedway.